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A Change of Priorities Steven K. Ellson, M.S., M.P.A., FHCE |
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A Change of Priorities Steven K. Ellson, M.S., M.P.A., FHCE |
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(This testimony was originally printed in the College
Park Church newsletter, “The Flyer” in Vol. 9, Issue 4, Winter, 1999.
The
introduction has been added as an update)
This message
could be a wake-up call! This message might save your marriage! It is written
for men, but I’m confident women will agree with it.
As a
Christian businessman, not a single week goes by that I do not hear Christian
and non-Christian men talk about how they worked too hard for the American dream
and sacrificed their marriage! I hear about marriages, some 20 or 25 years old,
which are on the brink of divorce because the spiritual leader of the home –
the man – sinned by not fulfilling his godly role as a husband!
But before I
go too far, let me tell you about my former
priorities.
One evening, my now ex-wife and I were having a discussion. This did not happen often. She asked me to tell her “my priorities” in life. I think she already knew or had an idea. I think she was finally tired of the problems in our marriage. She wanted to hear me tell her that she was not in the role God intended for her.
I wanted to be honest and truthful with her. I did not realize the impact of my comments. I did not realize how out of line my priorities were even though I thought they were only “slightly” out of line. I did not think of how a woman would interpret my comments. My response to her was simple. My priorities were:
ü “My work is first.”
ü “Jesus is second.”
ü “And, You are third.”
Is it any wonder she filed for divorce a short time later? Is it any wonder I needed “a change of priorities?”
How many men define success as “working hard to make a good living and/or trying to take care of our families and seeking to do Christ’s will for our lives?” These priorities make sense to us! At the same time, how many of us, even as male believers in Jesus Christ, secretly define success or find our identity in our career? How many of us who claim to be Christians are really living with one foot in the non-Christian world at work or with friends and one foot in church or in the Christian world? How many of our wives would agree with our priorities? How would Christ see our priorities?
This story is for the average American Christian male struggling to balance the demands of work, family and our walk with Christ. It is written for Christian men who want to be spiritual leaders for their wives, children and community, but whose priorities get confused and re-ordered because of the demands of life. It is for Christian men who secretly know they must get their priorities right with Christ and be a “Promise Keeper.” It is ultimately for men who don’t want a crisis like the loss of a job, the death of a spouse or a divorce to force them to change their priorities.
I thought we had it all!
We were both Christians. I had a strong career and what I believed was a typical
marriage. As an educator in hospitals, I often described my wife’s and my
communication patterns as “two ships passing in the night.” At the same time, some of our friends described our marriage as
“perfect.” We went to church regularly and participated in a Bible Study. I
knew I wasn’t the strong Christian husband I should be. Sure, my wife and I
did not have a regular prayer time together. Sure, I privately struggled with
God for control of my life. To be certain, I did not seek God’s direction for
my daily decisions because I knew privately that I had control over my life. I
assumed this was normal. In fact, I was doing the best I knew how. I had a past
history of low self-esteem. Growing up, I had to ride the fence between one
parent who was a born again Christian and one parent who walked away from
Christ. I also had a tendency to overcome my fears by being a workaholic. I
honestly thought we were a typical over-achieving middle class couple who fought
over:
ü
finances,
ü
time for
intimacy and
ü
family
priorities.
I WAS WRONG!
I can think
of few crisis that could hit within a nine or 10-month period which would impact
my priorities so dramatically than the following:
ü
“I am
going to file for divorce.”
ü
“We may
have to amputate your leg.”
ü
“We are
eliminating your job, and”
ü
“We do not
want you to come home for Christmas or anytime to discuss your divorce or your
problems."
In a matter of months, my life changed drastically. I went from a well-educated professional and homeowner who was married and a leader in my profession to a jobless man without a home, living in s single-wide trailer with a clinically depressed friend. I thought I lost it all!
On the other hand, maybe God had given me a chance to have the life He promises in Matthew 6:33 – “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And all these things shall be added unto you.”
I was about to learn how God could change a
Christian man’s priorities!
The crisis began innocently. I was having lunch with a manager one snowy day.
“You know Ann, the reason I am so successful in my career and life is because
I am so strong,” I boldly told her. The moment I uttered those words, I knew
my life would change forever. I knew if I survived, it would be on His strength.
I knew I would have a “change of priorities.”
On July 4th,
symbolically Independence Day, my wife of nearly 9 years announced her thoughts
to secure her freedom from me. She said she was seriously considering filing for
divorce. At that moment, I realized we could not agree on anything from finances
to intimacy. At the same time, I knew others with worse problems. There was
simply NO communication!
Looking back, I still find it amazing that we could agree on most things for two years of dating, but fought so much after we said, “I do.” She would get mad almost weekly over things I believed to be insignificant. I failed to understand she wanted to have a deeper relationship with me. She wanted me to be a godly husband. I did not understand her call for closeness even though we went to counselor after counselor throughout our marriage.
During the
counseling sessions, there was a common theme that “Steve
has a problem!” I would not let my wife’s problems be discussed and she
was reluctant to discuss them either because it was difficult for her. After
all, I loved her. At the same time, attempts to talk were futile because she was
not able to share her feelings or accept mine.
After she
made the announcement to file for divorce, I had to make one of the toughest
decisions of my life – would I take her comment seriously or should I file for
divorce first? This was the FIRST
step in my change of priorities. As I prayed, my Christian friends encouraged me
to read Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 that stated one of the main reasons for divorce
was adultery. While there had not been an adulterous relationship that I knew
of, I decided to follow God’s Word and not file for divorce. From then on, I
tried desperately to keep the marriage together. I cried like never before. I
physically hurt due to stress caused by what I knew would be a divorce. I tried
to talk and pray with my wife (all things I should have tried harder to do
before the crisis).
My wife
finally filed for divorce. Part of the court order was a restraining order that
prevented me from seeing my wife, our pets and our belongings (we did not have
children). I found myself forced to live in a basement apartment with two
immature men twenty years my junior. After all, I was a successful hospital
director with a strong national reputation in my profession living in a
basement. In a short time, however, even those living arrangements got worse.
One month later, I developed blood poisoning in my right leg as a result of an
athletic injury. The diagnosis was the possible amputation of my leg if the
condition did not improve quickly. One week later, my position was eliminated
and it was suggested it was just a matter of time before I would lose my
job. To make matters worse, I developed a respiratory
problem with symptoms similar to cardiac problems that lead to a chronic
asthmatic condition. Four months later, I was out of a job completely.
As if things weren’t bad enough, my young roommates decided they wanted me out of their apartment. I was now faced with no place to live except my car during the middle of the winter. In addition, my wife decided to make the divorce messy. For example, she tried to have me arrested one day when I came to pickup my belongings on a pre-arranged date and time with her attorney’s knowledge. On several occasions, she hid my belongings or refused to cooperate with her own attorney or me. In addition, my family and friends, except for my mother and a couple of close friends, rejected me – including close Christian friends.
At the same
time, I realized I had been under God’s loving wings all the time. I asked
several questions: Was I being persecuted? Was I being disciplined? Was I being
pruned” Was I being tested? Did I deserve such treatment? Was I being tried
for my sake or His sake? Was I being abandoned? Who would get the glory? Had I
sinned by not being the spiritual leader of the family? Who was the primary
person responsible in our family for our spiritual growth?
As I began
the financial and emotional ride, Christ really began to work in my life. The SECOND
step in my change came when I was driving to work on Christmas Day. I was crying
and praying to Jesus when a calming thought happened. I was not with anyone, but
I sensed Jesus was very much with me. It was not a Damascus Road experience. It
was a start! To be sure, there were many times when I too thought of suicide.
There were intense feelings of loneliness and the loss of control,
companionship, dreams, material possessions plus the thought of failing as a
Christian husband, but Christ would not allow me to take my life.
As time
continued, the THIRD change happened.
My prayer life improved. I began to regularly read the Bible. In fact, I spent
time reviewing all the underlined passages in my Bible and better understood
them. I learned God provides clear directions for our lives if we seek His will.
He opens doors, closes doors and changes our priorities from our career and
materialism to a greater focus on serving Him. He brings people into our lives
to teach us. A wonderful Christian counselor plus lifetime friends began to
support and encourage me. He taught me that my mouth was causing many of my
problems. He taught me to keep silent when in the past I would have boldly,
brashly spoken.
With my
renewed faith in Jesus came encouragement from church members at a new church I
began to attend. People began talking to me about Christ who never discussed
Jesus in the past. One close business friend told me that he and his wife had
decided to close their businesses on Sundays despite the loss of income in order
to spend more time in the Word. In addition, I began to better understand the
meaning of Proverbs 10:9, “the man of integrity walks securely.” I started
trusting the Lord and praying for the Lord’s direction for my career, my
personal needs and the details of my life. I worried less about my career. I
also learned to accept the fact that while my wife and I may have truly wanted
the marriage to succeed, the chances were slim without complete
surrender to Him. I began to believe my wife married me with a dream of what
marriage was like and for what she perceived as my family’s finances. I began
to believe she married me with some major insecurity problems from her
childhood. I learned her past troubled life and my own prevented our marriage
from working because we had not put Christ first on our priority list. I learned
I may have married her for the wrong reasons too – to gain the acceptance of
others including my parents. I learned she was more important than my career.
In Proverbs 16:4, we read that “the Lord works out everything for His own ends.” The problem was that I had been the obstacle. I prevented Him from working because of my ego and a false belief that with all of my education and intellect I could work out the problems myself. I was wrong again! I began to realize that He has infinite wisdom and He is the one who performs miracles, not me. If He wanted the marriage to work, it would have worked.
God was
gaining control of my life. Four short and painful months after I lost my job, I
had a new job long before the unemployment moneys or my savings were exhausted.
True, I lost a significant amount of money to my ex-wife. I periodically
struggle with resentment over this factor even today.
Yet when the
divorce ended, I was leaning more on Him. I am now more compassionate with
others and credible to those who are troubled. I also realized that I could
thank the Lord for:
ü
a “prayer
warrior” mother,
ü
the “Promise Keepers” ministry which showed me
how ill equipped I was to be a husband or father,
ü
not allowing
us to have children who would have been hurt by our painful divorce even though
I ache deeply every day because I wanted to be a father,
ü
the Bible
Study I attended during the divorce proceedings,
ü
encouraging
me to speak out about the Lord at work and in my personal life,
ü
my strong
Christian friends, accountability partners, CBMC leaders, and
ü
ending my career in management and my new career is
in a ministry with businessmen and churches
I learned through Pastor Kimber Kauffman of College Park Church that I had sinned in my marriage and I am still accountable for the sin, even though it would be easier to blame my parents for my background and my ex-wife for her actions. This was a particularly difficult lesson to learn. Furthermore, I now better understand the meaning of II Corinthians 4:8-9 which states, “we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” Clearly, I was put in a situation, and I may again be put in situations, in which I felt the verse personally.
Oswald
Chambers states in My Utmost for His Highest that, “you often see Jesus wreck a
life before He saves it.” Aren’t I an example of Chamber’s statement? I
learned the meaning of Hebrews 12:5-7 and 11 which states “my son, do not make
light of the Lord’s discipline and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those He loves…endure hardship as discipline; God
is treating you as sons…No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.
Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those
who have been trained by it.” There was an answer to one of my questions; God
was disciplining me for His purpose.
I still have a great deal to learn. My priorities are different today. Clearly, Jesus is first, my family is second, others are third and my work is fourth. If I ever remarry, I want to marry a Christian woman. If I ever remarry, my priorities will be Jesus first, my wife second, my family third, others fourth and my work fifth. I still need to walk daily with the Lord. I need to continually yield my old sinful nature to Jesus. I need to focus singularly on one aspect of my life – getting to know Jesus Christ intimately! I am thankful for Jesus discipline. I am thankful for a divorce that brought me to my knees and closer to Jesus. I am fortunate to be accountable to a group of Christian brothers including Eldon Kibbey, the State Director of Indiana CBMC and lifelong friends such as Bill Mulford, Brad Winters, and Wayne Palmer. PRAISE GOD THAT MY PRIORITIES HAVE BEEN CHANGED! What about yours?